Fade in: The Himalayan rivers—Chenab, Jhelum, Ravi, and Sutlej—sparkle like India’s crown jewels under the sun. It’s April 22, 2025, and Pakistan-backed terrorists have just pulled a villainous stunt in Pahalgam, Jammu and Kashmir, snatching 26 lives. India’s done playing the nice guy after decades of Pakistan’s sneaky attacks—Kargil, Mumbai, and now this! Enter PM Modi and Jal Shakti Minister Gajendra Singh Shekhawat, the ultimate heroes, flipping the script with a water strategy so genius, it’s like Golmaal meets Lagaan. They suspend the Indus Waters Treaty (IWT) and turn India’s rivers into a slapstick weapon, leaving Pakistan splashing in panic.
Picture Gopal as India, the suave, smart hero, and Madhav as Pakistan, the bumbling sidekick who keeps tripping over his own plans. With Bilawal Bhutto as the Tusshar Kapoor of this Golmaal saga, it’s time for a watery showdown!
Scene 1: Baglihar Dam Control Room, Jammu – April 23, 2025
The control room hums with patriotic vibes. Gopal (India), a sharp-witted engineer in a saffron kurta, stands by the dam controls, grinning. Madhav (Pakistan), a nervous wreck in a crumpled shalwar kameez, clutches a water bottle, sweating buckets. ISRO satellite images on a screen show Pakistan’s rivers drying up like a bad comedy act.
Gopal: (twirling a pen, smirking) Arre Madhav, suna tera naya tamasha Pahalgam mein? Chabbis jaan le li, aur socha hum bhejege mithai? (Heard about your latest drama in Pahalgam? Snatched 26 lives, and thought we’d send sweets?) Modi ji’s fed up, bhai! Treaty ko kachre mein phenk diya, Baglihar ka gate bandh—Chenab ab hamara hai! (Tossed the treaty in the bin, shut Baglihar’s gates—Chenab’s ours now!)
Madhav: (wailing, spilling his water) Arre Gopal bhai, yeh kya zulm hai? Hamare khet pyaase, pani ke bina toh biryani ka chawal bhi nahi! (Oh Gopal bro, what’s this tyranny? Our fields are thirsty, no water means no rice for biryani!) You’re turning my country into a Sahara ka filmi set! (Sahara’s movie set!) Meri kheti, meri fasal—sab barbaad! (My farms, my crops—all ruined!)
Gopal: (laughing) Haye Madhav, itna rona-dhona kyun? Nineties se humein bomb maar raha hai—Kargil, Mumbai, ab yeh! (Why all this crying, Madhav? You’ve been bombing us since the 90s—Kargil, Mumbai, now this!) Nehru ji ne toh 1960 mein 80% pani tujhe de diya, jaise kisi saanp ko doodh pila diya! (Nehru gave you 80% of our water in 1960, like feeding milk to a snake!) Modi ji’s like, “Ab nahi, terrorists ko free pani nahi!” (No more free water for terrorists!) Your fields are drier than Bilawal’s dialogue delivery!
Madhav: (on a TV screen, as Bilawal Bhutto, Tusshar Kapoor-style) Dekh, Gopal, mera hero Bilawal bol raha hai! (Look, Gopal, my hero Bilawal is speaking!)
Bilawal Bhutto: (on screen, overacting) India’s choking our rivers! Indus hamara hai, warna tumhara khoon bahega! UN, World Bank, bachao! (Indus is ours, or your blood will flow! UN, World Bank, save us!)
Gopal: (doubling over) Arre Tusshar—sorry, Bilawal—tu toh comedy ka baap hai! (Tusshar—sorry, Bilawal—you’re the king of comedy!) Threatening us while your rivers look like papad? Ja, apne Chinese dost se ek balti maang! (Go beg your Chinese pals for a bucket!) Tera drama toh Golmaal ke samne fail hai! (Your drama’s a flop compared to Golmaal!)
Scene 2: Karachi’s Parched Streets – May 20, 2025
Cut to Sindh, where the Indus is a sad, dry ditch. ISRO images show riverbeds in Hyderabad and Sukkur looking like a rejected set from Mad Max. Mobs torch two Pakistan Army officers’ homes, screaming about water theft. In Sukkur, they burn the PML-N office, cursing Punjab’s Maryam Nawaz for hogging the last drops.
Madhav: (fanning himself with a newspaper, hyperventilating) Gopal bhai, yeh kya kiya? Sindh mein hungama ho gaya! (Gopal bro, what have you done? Sindh’s gone wild!) They’re burning army houses, shouting “Sindhudesh,” and waving “Modi, Save Us” banners! Tune meri state ko rebel star bana diya! (You’ve turned my state into a rebel superstar!)
Gopal: (sipping lassi, grinning) Arre Madhav, yeh toh bas trailer hai! (Madhav, this is just the trailer!) Baglihar bandh kiya May 3 ko, Ravi ko sookha diya May 13 ko, Jhelum ko thok diya—tere kisan ko samajh nahi aa raha, boat kharide ya kaktus!* (Shut Baglihar on May 3, dried Ravi on May 13, smashed Jhelum—your farmers don’t know whether to buy boats or cacti!) Your “Sindhudesh” fans are our biggest cheerleaders now!
Madhav: (sobbing, waving a hanky) Meri Balochistan mein Quetta, Gwadar mein bhi danga! “No water, no Pakistan” ke pamphlet ud rahe hain! (Riots in Balochistan’s Quetta, Gwadar too! “No water, no Pakistan” pamphlets are flying!) KPK ke Peshawar mein 19 May ko meri photo jala di! Punjab ke Bahawalpur mein 24 May ko irrigation office toot gaya! Tu mujhe maar daalega, Gopal! (Peshawar burned my photo on May 19! Bahawalpur trashed irrigation offices on May 24! You’ll kill me, Gopal!)
Gopal: (doing a bhangra step) Haan, Madhav, yeh hai India ka plan! (Yes, Madhav, this is India’s plan!) Tera terrorism ab pani ke neeche! Humare dam hamare superstars hain, aur tu flop villain! (Your terrorism’s underwater now! Our dams are superstars, and you’re a flop villain!) Bas thodi si aur masti, aur tera Pakistan bik jaayega! (Just a bit more fun, and your Pakistan’s sold out!)
Scene 3: Pakistan’s Parliament – May 15, 2025
The National Assembly is a total circus, like a low-budget soap opera. Madhav (Pakistan) slumps in a chair, surrounded by leaders begging like they’re in a melodrama audition. Bilawal Bhutto (Tusshar Kapoor vibes) flails like he’s in a comedy skit.
Shehbaz Sharif: (hands clasped) Gopal bhai, India jeet gaya! Tere dam ne humein khaali kar diya! (Gopal bro, India’s won! Your dams have emptied us!) Without water, our fields, our cities—Pakistan mar jayega! (Pakistan will die!) Please, pani chhod do! (Please, release the water!)
Bilawal Bhutto: (Tusshar-style, flopping on a chair) Gopal, tune humein pani ke liye taras diya! India ke haath mein humari jaan! (Gopal, you’ve left us thirsty! India holds our life!) UN, World Bank, koi toh bacha lo! (UN, World Bank, someone save us!)
Maryam Nawaz: (fake tears) Punjab ke khet sookh gaye, Gopal! Ek din baadh, ek din bandh—yeh kaisa khel? (Punjab’s fields are dry, Gopal! One day floods, one day nothing—what’s this game?) Thodi daya karo! (Have some mercy!)
Khawaja Asif: (muttering) Maine nuclear dhamki di thi, par ab kya? India ne checkmate kar diya! (I bluffed about nukes, but now what? India’s checkmated us!) Bas ek boond, Gopal, please! (Just one drop, Gopal, please!)
Ishaq Dar: (on ARY News, May 24) India ka pani ka atank ne humein barbaad kar diya! Hum haath jod rahe hain! (India’s water terror has ruined us! We’re begging with folded hands!)
Gopal: (on a video call, munching pakoras) Arre Madhav, yeh kya nautanki? Saalon se humein bomb maar raha hai, ab rona-dhona? (What’s this drama, Madhav? Bombing us for years, now crying?) Nehru ne 1960 mein tujhe 80% pani diya—kya ghatiya deal tha! (Nehru gave you 80% water in 1960—what a lousy deal!) Modi ji’s like, “Ab nahi, ab India ka pani India ke liye!” (No more, now India’s water for India!) Shekhawat ji ne dam se Golmaal khel diya—Baglihar se baadh, Ranjit Sagar se tsunami, Ravi bandh! Tu toh ab comedy ka sidekick hai! (Shekhawat played Golmaal with dams—Baglihar floods, Ranjit Sagar tsunami, Ravi shut! You’re just a comedy sidekick now!)
Madhav: (collapsing) Haye, meri economy doob gayi, kisan bhaag gaye! (My economy’s sunk, farmers are rebelling!) Tu jeet gaya, Gopal! (You’ve won, Gopal!)
Scene 4: Nuclear Nonsense in Pakistan – May 25, 2025
Gopal and Madhav are on a virtual call. ISRO reports show Pakistan’s six nuclear facilities and two research reactors looking thirstier than a camel in a heatwave.
Madhav: (panicked, fanning himself) Gopal, mere nukes—Chashma, Karachi, Khushab, Kahuta, Gadwal, Dera Ghazi Khan, aur woh Islamabad ke reactors—sab pani ke bina mar rahe hain! (Gopal, my nukes—Chashma, Karachi, Khushab, Kahuta, Gadwal, Dera Ghazi Khan, and those Islamabad reactors—are dying without water!) Tere Chenab aur Jhelum ke band ne meri watt laga di! (Your Chenab and Jhelum cuts have fried me!)
Gopal: (smirking, tossing a cricket ball) Arre Madhav, tere nukes toh ab purane radio jaise hain—pani nahi, toh khatam! (Madhav, your nukes are like old radios—no water, no work!) If Sindhudesh ya Balochistan alag ho gaye, kaun sambhalega yeh bomb? Koi jihadi na le udaye! (If Sindhudesh or Balochistan break free, who’ll handle these bombs? Some jihadi might snatch them!) UN aayega, SRK ki tarah Jawan ban ke, sab lock kar dega! (UN will swoop in like SRK in Jawan, locking it all up!) Aur tere Wah aur Dera Ismail Khan ke ammo dumps? Woh bhi bye-bye! (And your Wah and Dera Ismail Khan ammo dumps? Gone too!)
Madhav: (sobbing) Mere nukes, mere bandook—sab khatam! Tu ne meri villain wali film band kar di! (My nukes, my guns—all finished! You’ve shut down my villain movie!)
Gopal: (doing a victory dance) Yeh hai India ka pani ka jadoo, Madhav! Hum hero, tu zero! (This is India’s water magic, Madhav! We’re the hero, you’re zero!)
Scene 5: India’s Afghan Alliance – The Masala Twist
Gopal’s at a diplomatic meet, clinking chai glasses with Afghan officials, sealing a deal to fund the Shahtoot Dam on the Kabul River, choking 10-15% of Pakistan’s water.
Gopal: (toasting) Madhav, dekh tera naya saathi—Afghanistan! (Madhav, meet your new co-star—Afghanistan!) Shahtoot Dam se tera Tarbela Dam sookh jayega, jo tera 20% bijli deta hai! (Shahtoot Dam will dry up your Tarbela Dam, which gives you 20% power!) Tera KPK pehle hi danga kar raha hai! (Your KPK’s already rioting!)
Madhav: (fainting) Arre Gopal, tu ne meri CPEC sadak bhi dooba di—Chenab ke baadh se China ka $100 million gaya! (Gopal, you drowned my CPEC roads too—Chenab floods cost China $100 million!) Meri film ka climax khatam! (My movie’s climax is ruined!)
Gopal: (grinning) Haan, Madhav, yeh hai Golmaal: Water Wars! India director, tu flop actor! (Yes, Madhav, this is Golmaal: Water Wars! India’s the director, you’re the flop actor!)
Scene 6: Anti-National Clowns in India
On a TV screen, Mehbooba Mufti and Rahul Gandhi whine like out-of-work actors. Gopal and Madhav watch from the dam room.
Mehbooba Mufti: (on NDTV, May 15) India ka pani bandh karna galat hai! Pakistan ke log dukhi hain! (India’s water blockade is wrong! Pakistan’s people are suffering!)
Rahul Gandhi: (in Delhi, May 17) Yeh aggressive strategy galat hai! Pakistan ko bacha sakte hain! (This aggressive strategy is wrong! We can save Pakistan!)
Gopal: (facepalming) Arre Mehbooba, Rahul, tum dono toh villain ke sidekick ho! (Mehbooba, Rahul, you’re the villain’s sidekicks!) Pakistan ne humein saalon se thoka—ab tum unke liye rona? (Pakistan’s been hitting us for years—now you cry for them?) Rahul, tu toh Pakistan ka poster boy ban gaya! (Rahul, you’re Pakistan’s poster boy!) Modi ji ke dam superstar hain, aur tum log comedy ke extra! (Modi ji’s dams are superstars, and you’re comedy extras!)
Madhav: (sniffling) Mere apne neta bhi itna acha acting nahi karte! (Even my leaders don’t act this well!)
Gopal: (cackling) Anti-national bakwas bandh karo! India ka pani ka plan hit hai! (Stop this anti-national nonsense! India’s water plan is a hit!)
Scene 7: The Grand Finale – India’s Splashy Victory
Montage: India’s dams steal the show—Baglihar shut (May 3), Chenab surges (May 11, 14), Ravi cut (May 13), Jhelum slashed (May 13), Sutlej choked (May 16, 24), Tulbul’s flood (May 23). Pakistan’s fields are either deserts or kiddie pools, with $3.7 billion in exports—rice, wheat, cotton—swirling down the drain. Sindh, Balochistan, and KPK wave “Modi, Save Us” signs. Madhav’s leaders beg like they’re in a C-grade tragedy.
Gopal: (raising a thali of jalebis) Madhav, humare nadiyan Baahubali ban gayi! (Madhav, our rivers have become Baahubali!) Teri economy doob gayi, tere nukes pyaase, aur tere neta Tusshar Kapoor se bhi bura ro rahe hain! (Your economy’s sunk, your nukes are thirsty, and your leaders are crying worse than Tusshar Kapoor!)
Madhav: (falling to his knees) Haye Gopal, tune jeet liya! Mera desh toot raha hai, log bhaag rahe hain! (Oh Gopal, you’ve won! My country’s breaking, people are rebelling!) Mujhe pani do, yaar! (Give me water, man!)
Gopal: (doing a victory jig) Yeh Modi ji ka jadoo hai, Madhav! Nehru ka 1960 ka flop deal hum ne hit kar diya! (This is Modi ji’s magic, Madhav! We turned Nehru’s 1960 flop deal into a hit!) India ka pani, India ka rule—Pakistan, tu out! (India’s water, India’s rule—Pakistan, you’re out!)
Fade out with ISRO shots of Pakistan’s dry rivers, rioting crowds, and India’s dams flexing like superheroes. The screen flashes: “India: 1, Pakistan: 0. Directed by Modi, Starring Shekhawat!”
In an article dated 25th April, I had mentioned that this Water Strategy will create a Golmaal Circus and now it is true after a month. Do read that hilarious article, link below in the “Also Read” section.
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Also Read:
